“Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.”

– David Letterman

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

– Winston Churchill

“I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”

– J. R. R. Tolkien

“In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.”

– Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”

– Oscar Wilde

“He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.”

– H. H. Munro (Saki)

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.”

– Woody Allen

“America’s health care system is second only to Japan … Canada, Sweden, Great Britain … well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!”

– Homer Simpson

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”

– George W. Bush

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

– Albert Einstein

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”

– Ashleigh Brilliant

“It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.”

– George W. Bush

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.”

– Stephen Wright

“We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.”

– Jeff Marder

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”

– Erica Jong

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.”

– Wendell Johnson

“The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.”

– Somerset Maugham

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”

– Dale Carnegie

“In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”

– Stephen Wright

“I think we agree, the past is over.”

– George W. Bush

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

– Groucho Marx

“Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.”

– George Burns

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

– George W. Bush

“The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.”

– Robert Paul

“I don’t apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that’s the way I am.”

– Homer Simpson

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

– Stephen Wright

“Ability is of little account without opportunity.”

– Napoleon Bonaparte

“Trying is the first step towards failure.”

– Homer Simpson