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The Chapstick Conspiracy
by Scott Hendrickson | April 25, 2003

Gripping the smooth plastic cap, I tug with a slight twist. The thin plastic snap greets me. Pop! Twisting the superbly engineered serrated bottom brings the pale yellow gloss to the surface. It's rounded with use. Is it 'use' or would it be more aptly called 'reliance'? My eyes gaze over the newly exposed tip searching for oddities; finding none, I begin. The smooth, velvety, damp waxiness soothes as it coats. I generously apply the semi-solid substance to cover all outer-exposed area of my labia. Ahhh, relief.

Yep, I'm a bit addicted to Chap Stick. I need to have one at home, at work, in my car, etc. I didn't used to be addicted...it just happened. And I'm starting to suspect a nicotine-like addictive substance in the seemingly innocent oral relief product. I find that if I don't have access to it I begin to feel my lips going dry and uncomfortable. I think I rely on it too much. This didn't happen from overuse; I'm not an abuser of this product. I followed the recommended use that was so dutifully written on the package.

I asked my friend, Frank, a doctor, about this. Well, he's not quite a doctor yet, he's a med student. He said there isn't anything addictive about it. Although, he hasn't actually been accepted into Medical school yet I should probably believe him. He does watch ER as often as he can. Well, he saw it last week. Frank says, my lips are just used to being more moist than normal. That I rely on Chap Stick too much. He said that when he was flipping through the channels he caught a few minutes of ER where someone had a bloody lip and heard something about moisture. Actually, it turns out it he was watching Scrubs. Frank said that if I stopped I eventually wouldn't need so much Chap Stick. Though Frank did add that he was drunk at the time so he can't be too sure.

Even in the face of that evidence I think I must be onto something. There are others like me. Some in the more advanced stages of addiction that need to carry Chap Stick around with them all the time. Watch for people like us. Visit the lip care section of Target, you'll see people buying one, three, four at a time. Offer them your support.